This Will Be The Year I Fail

To fail would be to have at least given something a shot.

Have you ever had that feeling in the pit pf your stomach or the back of your mind? You know you didn’t give it your all.  Maybe you’re getting an accolade for something you came up with in 15 minutes or maybe you’re getting called out about something you spent a day and half on. But YOU know.  You know it wasn’t everything you could have done because you didn’t really care about it or you were afraid of it or you were busy with other things you felt were more important.

But 100% was not anything you showed up with.

I get by alright. I’m good at my job – everyone but my boss seems to think I’m indispensable. I’m good at cooking – but I never have dinner parties. I’m a good girlfriend, I could be a better friend to my girls and I’m ok at this general being a grown up thing.

Most of the time though, I feel like I’m missing in action.

I have realized that I’m afraid of failure so I never try too hard at anything. I’m lucky and a lot of things come easily to me – or maybe I just don’t go looking for the hard stuff. I was an honour student before I had to learn how to study. I’m convinced the first two years of my College curriculum was, for the most part, pumping the graduate numbers because a lot of it was a joke. So what did I do? You got it.  I showed up late, left early for my job and never thought twice about it.  Yes, I graduated with a great mark.

2015 will be the year I fail – if I’m lucky.

I want to try something with all my might. I want to live that 100% rather than just giving this whole thing a go. I want all those damn inspirational quotes to be a been-there-done-that.

I want to know that something I’ve done, created or imagined was given my undivided, full spirited devotion. It might turn out to be shit – I need to learn what I’m good at. (spoiler alert – it’s not Math 101). It could be magic though and isn’t that worth the possible fall?  I think it is.  Now I just have to accept that it is and go for it.

Come fail with me!

End of Patience

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4 thoughts on “This Will Be The Year I Fail

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  1. In so many ways, your post mimics what constantly goes on in my head. I too thought college was a joke. My last year was a haze, and I graduated alright. Still, I think the experience desensitized me to a lot of things. Praise is still something I have difficulties accepting, and thanking people for.

    Failure is something I fear to where I actually feel paralyzed at times. I do so many things for the sake of doing. I too want to do things with greater purpose, with sincere intention. I guess writing will be a start.

    I look forward to reading more posts from you. This one was very enlightening for me.

    1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts 🙂 Life is bound to knock us down but it’s standing up, and taking a swing back at it that make us.
      Sincere Intention:….I love those words.
      Grateful for your input 🙂 Happy New Year!

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